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SIX STEPS TO COUPLE COMMUNICATION - A. Philip Parham
1. Turn On and Tune In. Imagine that your communication
is like a two-way radio, like a C.B. The first thing anyone must do is turn on the set and tune in the channel. All good
communication is intentional. Being ready to send and receive is essential. Know that you are seeking information and wish
to exchange some as well.
2. Transmit. Send your message. This means making a statement or asking a
question
that you intend to have acknowledged. It does not mean launching
an attack, calling names, dumping anger or starting
an argument. The first
transmission sets the tone for the entire exchange, so the first message carries
a great weight of responsibility. Start messages with "I, "I feel, "I think,"
or
I was wondering what you think, instead of beginning with "You," "You
never," or "You
always." Speak only for yourself, not against your partner.
I- messages almost always open communication,
while you-messages tend to
be received as accusations or attacks. "You always take your mother's side
over me" is not as effective as "I feel lonely and unappreciated when I think I
am second-best
to your mother."
3. Receive. Listen. Concentrate on the reply. Pay attention to what is being
transmitted to you and set aside your counter-statements. Make every effort
to be interested and alert to your
partner's message and treat it as
important if you expect any interest in return. Listening then becomes
active response and assistance, is sprinkled with comments like, "Tell me
more," "I'm with you
so far," "I'm not sure I understand, can you explain
that?" and Would you go over that again
for me? Picture yourself as an
interviewernot a prosecuting attorney, nor a defendant in the witness chair.
4. Acknowledge. Give feedback. Feedback is crucial. Repeat and restate in your own words what you have heard
from your partner's message. This is done with more than words. Keep eye contact, lean forward, nod your head. Showing
that you hear and care about what is being said is more important than understanding or agreement. Just being heard and having
someone's complete attention is a great gift. It is grace. Helpful feedback is such statements as I am not sure I got it
all, but is this what you meant __________? or Is this what you just said ________________? or
I could be
wrong, but I thought I heard you say _________, is that right?
Few people like to be interrupted, but short feedback
summaries of what we
understood from our partner are usually welcomed. Feedback means you are
interested
and have been listening.
5. Transmit Again. Repeat the Sending/Receiving/Acknowledging cycle, as
you both talk and listen, until you mutually acknowledge that at least some
understanding has been accomplished
on one topic. Do not push for
agreement or compliance from your partner! Remember this is an exchange
of information, not an argument over who is right or wrong. Please do not
fall into the trap of using the word
understand to mean, agree with me.
6. Sign Off. This is the "over and out" part of completed communication.
Sharing information is your objective. Be satisfied with appetizers. Try to enjoy such tidbits of learning from your
partner. This will encourage you to be a bit hungrier for more. Discussions that go on and on often turn into arguments
or power struggles that demand a winner and a loser. No one learns much in argument. Each participant tends to recite his
or her side, gaining nothing of value in return. If anyone wins, the couple loses. Communication is a win/win proposition
built upon modest exchanges. Give yourselves a break. Accept what you have learned from each other, and then turn off your
set. Not everything needs to be said all at once. Rest Reflect. Congratulate yourselves for not quarreling. Then try again.
Be thankful for sending and receiving, however small the first bits of information may be. Your messages to each
other can be weapons or gifts, curses or blessings. If you view your partner not as a foe but as a friend, you will find
that enjoying talking and listening to each other becomes easier day-by-day. And the relationship cannot fail to benefit
as a result.
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